Gill Black

I was 47 when I had my stroke and I think it took me about two years to own it and say 'my stroke'.

We were on holiday abroad and were four days away from returning home, we decided to take a day boat trip, when I say we I mean my husband, three-year-old daughter and myself. It began with what I thought was a migraine attack, the classic symptoms the spots and distorted vision and the immense headache. I did not want to spoil the day and anyway they generally cleared after half an hour. On the boat the headache just got worse and worse and I began vomiting and continued to do this through out the trip all six hours of it.

I still could not see and felt wretched, but I did not want to make a fuss so kept fairly still with my head under a towel! It continued and I felt terrible. When we arrived back I just went to bed and finally admitted how bad I was feeling. I slept fitfully, and was still being sick through the night. In the morning we went to the local medical centre, the doctor examined me and gave me some tablets for the migraine! I took them and by the next day I was no better, we went back to the centre and saw another doctor and he gave me three vials of the most revolting medicine which he told me were normally given by injection, I took these too, in fact by this point I would have taken anything to get rid of the headache and the vomiting.

By the next day nothing had changed and so back to the clinic and another doctor who promptly asked me to stand on one leg with my eyes closed and I fell over. He then said he would give me an injection to travel that day and I was to go straight to my doctor on my return to the Uk. On our return and after dropping my daughter at nursery I went to my doctor, he told me I had some problem with my retina. He ran to the chemist next door leaving me sitting in his room bemused, he returned with six tablets, goodness knows what they were, and asked that I take these straight away and then go to the hospital. I still had no sense of the seriousness of it. I went to the hospital and I waited to see a medic for three hours in a small room with an elderly lady waiting for a bed with a fractured pelvis. I first saw a houseman who asked me to count her fingers, I thought this a little crazy, however she told me I had got it all wrong. It was at this point I began to feel a bit worried as to what was wrong I still thought I was having a migraine attack. They did lots of tests, bloods, blood pressure and a scan.

A little posse came back to tell me that I had had a stroke, I did not believe them, they said I had to stay in hospital. I asked why when there was now nothing they could do, as it was now four days since the stroke. Any way the consultant decided I could go home as long as I had some one at home with me and I came back for all the tests, of course I agreed. When everyone had gone I burst into tears it was the shock of it. I then rang my husband and told him I had had a stroke he was shocked and then I rang my best friend and again broke down she came and hugged me, I needed that.

When I got home I had to be calm for my little girl and of course life goes on. They next few days were all a bit of a blur, however my husband went back to work and I did my best to just go on. This was hard as I felt so tired and because of my loss of peripheral fields I could not follow where my daughter was unless she was straight in front of me, I was scared of losing her and I could not walk far I felt so tired. Three days after coming home I had a very strange 'turn' the doctor thought the blood vessels had opened a little and my sight improved a little as a result.

The tests carried on as they attempted to find the cause of the stroke, I had been a really healthy person and no problems were evident.

And of course life carried on too, although not the same, not for me, my husband or my children. I could not accept I had had a stroke it was a dirty word, to work I had problems with my vision I could not bring myself to tell people the diagnosis, this happened to older people not me! Well of course it had and the acceptance of this brought with it depression and uncertainty as to my future. Whilst I was off sick I was called in to work to be told my unit was closing and possible redundancy was the outlook. I worked as social worker in a local family centre, I loved my job and this news was another blow to my self-esteem, besides the fact that who would employ me now I wondered. This added uncertainty hindered my progress and I had to seek help and extra ( anti depressants actually ) my Gp was fantastic supportive whilst not losing sight of me as a person. It took some time to adjust to the changes I had to make and I did lose my job, however now I am back on target and have a new job.

To this day they still do not know what caused this to happen, my sight has improved although I have a permanent loss. I get words muddled and get confused I can no longer scan pages or speed read as I used to which makes work difficult at times my thoughts are slower and I seem to have lost the ability to think in a lateral sense. I cannot quite describe this it is almost as if I only think straight ahead it's weird. I also find it hard in very noisy rooms or several things are happening at once I find it difficult to separate them so have to write reports at home, although I am aware that I am incredibly luckily it was no worse and others have a far greater loss. I am grateful for finding different strokes I learnt a lot about others and their difficulties, and to my family especially to my husband who is almost married to a different person now. I have found it hard to let go of the past me and move forward, however I am embarking on a post qualification at the moment it has not been easy and I do find it a struggle but I do not want to give up. Lots of people have a much more difficult time than I have.

I have had a TIA a year ago so that gave me a bit of a set back but I am back on track now. Thank you for giving me the chance to write my story.

• c/o PROFILES,
• Click here for address