George Potten
Feelings Inside
It's been 6 years now since I first had the most terrifying feeling come over me, I was at work when I started to feel unwell. The sweat ran down my back and every thing went into slow motion, I was standing at the main entrance of the hospital where I worked, my office was only a few steps away the person with me helped me back and I sat down. This lasted for some time the few steps felt like a mile I felt totally out of my self unable to understand what he was trying to say or where I was my vision was cut in half. After a while I sort of came to, he was trying to say I will take you round to A&E. If only I had done what he said, instead I carried on working I never told Anne, my wife, what had really happened at the time. She saw it though, I kept telling my self I was ok.
Over the next few days I could not get myself together I felt numb down my left side, my vision was affected and I was tired all the time. Anne in the end with a lot of persuasion took me to see our doctor he gave me a good examination and after said that he was almost certain that I have had a stroke. He sent me to hospital and I was admitted. After a scan and some tests by the consultant he confirmed my worst fear. As it was by now a week since the incident I persuaded the doctor to let me come home after a few days. An outpatient appointment was set I was pleased about this as I can't stand being in hospital although I had worked there for nearly 17 years, also I make a very bad patient, the neurologist that I saw also confirmed that I had a stroke. Four years before I was suffering with a similar thing, I had seen a consultant and had a scan but the "abnormality" was missed it only came to light when the neurologist picked it up.
A few weeks after I came out of hospital we went away and my wife and I were in the kitchen of our daughter-in-law's when I apparently called her. The next thing I remember was sitting at the table and the same thing happened again sweat running down my back like a river, confused and every thing in slow motion. On our return from the weekend I went to the hospital I saw the doctor and had blood tests. Once done I had to sit and wait for the result. That day the consultant put me on warfarin. I slowly got a little better and returned to work after about 4 months. It was very hard I could not concentrate on the job for too long and my eyes kept going out of focus. Meanwhile my consultant passed away following a short sudden illness. All the time I was off sick only one woman came around and gave me some exercises this was just for a few weeks and I never saw her again. I found out later she had left the service so I had no follow up with occ. health or physio. I continued like this for some time going to work coming home and falling asleep in the armchair and I would sleep all weekend. Then one day I had a seizure, again back to the neurologist I was then told I had epilepsy things seemed to be going down hill fast! It took some time to get them under control. Due to my weakness and my epilepsy he said that I must stop work or I would kill myself. So at the age of 47 years old I felt I was on the scrap heap. I would sit at home all day on my own, my wife and family at work. I had no outside help at all - no physio, no occ health visitors, this was not due to anyone's fault it was just me sliding through the net as it were. It put a tremendous amount of strain on Anne having to cope alone as well.
Then we were told about the help we could get and I should contact the various health people my wife started to do all of this, and keep a full time job down it has been very hard on her and with the way I am it does not help. I tend to take all of my aggression out on her or my youngest son who is still at home. They really put up with a lot it has been a constant battle with bureaucracy to get any help as my wife works and must contribute to any thing we need. We applied for a grant and we were told we could afford £10,000 over 10 years we were asked do we wish to continue but the system was not explained properly - we should have applied as if we spent any money it would come off the total grant if we applied again. As we thought we had to find £10,000 my wife told the council we would not apply as it would be pointless. This is the type of battle I think a lot of us go through. I now have a stair lift and I am in a wheel chair. My wife last year started to apply for a grant again as we had spent the amount they said on alterations to the house for me. After the application was made we were told that we could now afford £15,000 but if my wife was to stop work we could get it done free. How can this make sense? My wife is doing a job she likes and is producing for the country and they tell her to stop work and sponge off the state for the next 10 years or so just so I can have some alterations done so I can be independent. We were then told that we had not completed the grant procedure the first time. We have since borrowed the money to alter my bathroom and with the help of donations from my union and pension fund plus money from my children we have managed to get the alterations done. These alterations will help for a while but they are not ideal as we could only do the cheapest alterations. I don't know what the future will hold, I know that if Anne were to stop work it will be unfair to her and me as well. As she needs her independence I also want my little bit of independence I can do little bits around the house which helps and I go to a resource centre twice a week which I enjoy very much they have helped me a great deal. I try to give something back in return and help the other clients there which gives me great pleasure as some of them are a lot worse than me. There are art classes, relaxation, IT. suite, cooking and many other activities for us to do.
In the April of this year I had a set back I can only tell you as my wife told me it happened on the Saturday night. We had a meal and I was in my armchair. I got up with my stick in my hand and started to go out of the house. Anne grabbed hold of me and was pulling me back in, I was looking at her as if I had never seen her before. She said my face frightened her (I would say at this point my face would frighten anyone!), anyway she managed to get me in again. From my point of view it was all in a spin. Apparently I wanted my son I could not get the words out, my right arm had gone funny and I could not write, my mind was saying one thing the rest of me was doing another. That day was a blank I could not tell you what we had eaten, I don't remember my son coming over and the next day continued in the same way feeling confused and very tired. Another trip to the doctors confirmed that I had another stroke. The neurologist also confirmed this. Slowly my speech is coming back, my sight is better with the glasses and I can use my right arm although this still feels very painful at times. I still need to have a sleep every day. I do forget a lot of things and make stupid mistakes.
I must say when one door closes another opens so they say. It has happened to me, I have found two talents I never had, I paint and also write poetry although I have dysphasia, I write backwards my wife puts it in order for me. I now write as much as I can on the computer - my spelling is atrocious but Anne can always decipher it one way or another. I have had several of my poems published in our local paper. I have just written one and given the copyright to the American Disaster Fund. I hope it will raise a lot of money for them should they choose to publish it. I have also designed a garden for our local community on a piece of waste ground, this has taken nearly three years and finally we have received a grant from community projects to get the work done. I still have fits but hopefully will get a little stronger. Yes, some times I do get very very depressed over the most mundane things, a lot of it is frustration trying to do things you always found easy. But the love and support I get from Anne and my children helps me through. I also have a grandson whom I adore he is so full of life. I also have a yorkie she can be a handful at times. She and my grandson are the best of friends. To some people this story is quite normal. I think people with this type of disability, and the strain it puts on others, hurts you not physically but mentally. I can't for the life of me see how the government has all this money for disabled people not claimed; I can only put it down to the bureaucrats. Why should you be means tested when you have worked so hard and given your all, surely if your doctors say you can't work you shouldn't have to fight for the rightful benefits? In my case I spent several years helping others that came into our hospital. When I need the same help the government turns their back. I feel they would rather not have people like us around. I could go on and on but I think I should close now but I will give you one last thought.
We are all made in different ways
We all have our own minds
People can look at someone
And say that is no life
Crippled or bent
Sitting in a chair like that
It is OUR LIFE
It is very precious to us
We may be disabled
Some may not talk, hear, walk or see
But if you were to say it to me
I would point out life's like that.
George Potten
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