My Story - Emma Fenwick aged 36

Sunday 1 October 2006 was just like any other Sunday or so I thought. I went and bought some horse, cat and dog food from the supplier down the road and fed my neighbours‘ horses as they were on holiday.

With all my chores done I settled down to watch the repeat of X-Factor and read my magazine. My husband was in the field making a new shelter for the horses so I lay across the bed. I had laid there for about half and hour when I got up to use the toilet. When I came out of the bathroom I noticed that Vernon the 8 week old kitten was out of food so bent to give him some. As I stood up I felt an immense pain in the back of my head and my limbs felt like they were shrinking and getting heavier. I ran to the bed but could not stop laughing as everything felt strange. I yelled for my son Luke to get his Dad, fast, I heard my husband, Sean say that he was busy and that if I wanted him that much I should go to him - this again had me laughing. I heard my son say to him that he thought I was hurt and Sean started running into the house. When he reached me I was lying head down on the bed and he looked over the foot of the bed, again I started to laugh hysterically as all I could see was his upside down head looking all concerned. I have since found out that the laughing is normal and lots of people who have had strokes are ignored and assumed drunk. Sean rang for an ambulance and I suddenly felt very scared and conscious that everyone should know my business so I rang my neighbour to let her know what was going on when she saw an ambulance (I live on a smallholding within a small community where we try to look out for each other).

When the ambulance arrived I was pulled to sitting up position by the paramedics and my leg was involuntarily kicking which again made me laugh, they tried to stand me but I did not have any strength at all in my legs so they transferred me to the ambulance at this point I had the feeling and some use back of my left arm but nothing else, it was to be a week before I got any feeling at all back in my right side, apparently the stroke was quite near the centre of my brain which is why the swelling caused me to lose both sides initially. I remember my children Luke and Rhiannon giving me a kiss goodbye in the ambulance before it left.

I was taken to A&E at Prince Philip Hospital in Llanelli, on the way I remember the paramedic saying something to me and my husband about possible neuro damage and thinking that he should speak in English, how were we supposed to understand that fancy talk - I am a medical secretary so am perfectly aware what neuro means! A&E were fantastic I was not there for long that I remember and I was moved to the assessment ward, it is all a bit of a blur from arrival at the hospital and I only remember chunks (mostly things that upset me). I remember the staff telling my husband that he was not allowed in outside visiting hours and saying that if he was going I was going with him - she let him stay. My next big memory is being given a lumbar puncture which is the memory I use every time I struggle with missing the fags, firstly I remember it took 2 doctors and numerous needles to find the right place to draw the fluid from, then I remember the look of fear on my children‘s faces when I threw up all over everyone afterwards, it was by far the scariest experience. I was then moved up to Ward 4 where I was taken for lots of tests CT scans, MRI scans and Heart Echo‘s. Up until this point my speech had been fine, on the Tuesday morning I felt really hot and sick quite suddenly, I shut my eyes I think just for a minute but when I opened them again my speech was strange it was all slurred and broken. I was told I had either had another episode or this was an extension of the first stroke.

On the Friday they said that they were sending me to Morriston Hospital which is the neuro unit nearest to where I live, this terrified me as I would then be about 45 minutes from home and in my muddled mind I thought that my husband would not come in to see me. The nurses on Ward 4 were fantastic and reassured me through this, two of them arranged for me to have a bath before I went and to wash my hair. I was really feeling sorry for myself at this time and one of the nurses blew up a rubber glove and drew a face on it, she said it was a rubber chicken to go in the bath with me which made me laugh - small things I know but I was feeling so bad that this small thing meant a lot to me.

I remember feeling really sick and scared in the ambulance on the way to Swansea but the paramedic being really kind and understanding. On arrival at Morriston I was taken to Gower ward where they saw me in to a bed, at this point I was still not able to transfer or mobilise alone although I had progressed from a bedpan to a commode, however in the middle of the night I asked for a commode and when the staff explained that they were busy and asked me to wait I fell back to sleep. When I woke next the commode was there but no staff so I rang the bell but it was too late when they came back which led to one of the staff nurses telling me if I could not control myself I would have to wear a nappy - this really shocked and upset me and I can only put it down to the fact that they were severely understaffed there. It was never explained to me in either hospital by nursing staff or doctors that the incontinence was a usual side effect so I thought it was me. One of my most vivid memories of Morriston was the next morning when I sat on the bed and watched the other patients and staff going about their business - now I understand that they all knew each other and that I had opted to speak as little as possible - but I really thought that I was dead, even when the doctor did her round she did not see me and looking around me everyone was speaking except for me and I felt like I was out of it, I felt quite cheated by this as I thought when I died I would be met by someone and all I kept thinking was where was Grandma, just another instance of my brain playing games with me. I was taken for another CT scan at Morriston with dye through my veins which gave them a better idea of the damage to my brain. It had been a clot but they do not know what caused it or what triggered it. I was a smoker but only smoked 6 - 10 cigarettes a day, I had borderline high blood pressure but nothing awful. I am overweight but again not incredibly and I have been under a lot of stress - my father is dying of brain cancer among other complicated problems but, according to the doctor none of this should have been enough to cause a stroke in someone of my age, but maybe the combination of it all was?!

Morriston Hospital did help me because I came out of there feeling lucky, in Prince Phillip I was the only patient immobile and felt really sorry for myself but in Morriston there were people a lot sicker than me, this I needed to see as awful as that may sound it made me realise that my problems were fairly small in comparison. I pushed daily to have myself let home, by the tenth day I had managed to wear everyone down. By this time I was transferring with only one nurse for help and I could use a walking frame albeit in a wobbly fashion. They arranged for me to be contacted by physio and speech therapy and to be visited at home. My husband who had visited me every day through this ordeal was looking tired and worried and he came and learnt how to move me around etc.

I have now been home for 7 weeks and things have got easier and better daily although I think that I have come to a plateau, my husband has been an absolute rock, anything I want he has done it or arranged for it to be done and I can not thank him enough. My mother moved in and has helped immensely, as you can imagine this is a hard thing to do for both of us and I probably have not been the easiest or most grateful patient, my children have been fantastic they have behaved impeccably and helped where they can and as for friends especially a handful I could not have managed without their support. There was a time probably around 5 October that I did not see the way forward but all of my supporters near and far have made me see what I have to live for. People have accepted that I do not want to talk on the telephone at the moment (thank goodness for text messages) and some of my friends have text me regularly just to say “hi how are you”, I will never forget that. It has made me strong and positive. I said when I was in hospital that I did not want to see anyone, I thank those that stayed away and those that came anyway - either way it was good for me. I said it because I was incontinent, frightened, confused and embarrassed, not because I was being ignorant. I have stayed off the fags (gets harder daily) I have put on a little weight with losing these but that is the next thing that I have to conquer.

I nearly did not send this in as I felt that some of the other stories were so terrifying, mine did not seem that important, I have not lost blocks of time or had months in intensive therapy or in-patient care but maybe it will help someone even if it is just to provide some information which I did not get a lot of and a lot of the things that happened I thought was just me especially the swinging emotions but now know is common after a stroke. Although I know I am lucky to be so well now I have to be reminded that I have still a way to go before I can do the things I could before. Sometimes I kid myself that the doctors were wrong and it did not happen at all I cannot have brain damage! then I realise I cannot safely ride my horse on my own any more and have to accept that it has

I am still a bit wobbly but know that I am lucky to be moving around independently 9 weeks post stroke, I also get very tired and am in bed shortly after 8pm most nights. My work has been tremendously supportive and I know I am going to have to go through their occupational health department before I am allowed to resume my job. Most of all I am amazed at the support I have had, I moved to Wales from Dorset 2&#frac12; years ago and friends and family from here and away have given me the utmost support and I really cannot thank people enough whether it be contacting me or helping me as when something like this strikes there is not substitute for just feeling that you have people around and it gives you reason to fight. Don’t ever underestimate the power of a text this has been the most terrifying couple of months of my life and without the contacts I would not have fought so hard.

THANK YOU

Emma Fenwick

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